Interview
from The Union, our local paper in Nevada City, on Friday
Jan. 5, 2007 by Suzie Daggett.
Parent who lost a child helps others find peace
A
parent’s deep connection with their children is
something that can only be felt in the heart. When a child
dies before a parent it is an especially heartbreaking wrenching
experience. Helena Montelius lived this situation and through
her pain, found relief in assisting others in grief. Helena
is a meditation/spiritual teacher specializing in spiritual
grief counseling to transform loss into spiritual openings.
Her fourth book Jon walks in the Light: A Mother’s
Awakening through Birth and Death is coming out soon. She
offers many classes as well as a yearlong training One Year
left to Live which starts in the spring of 2007. Her story
follows:
Your
life took a dramatic turn with the death of your son,
please explain:
Alongside
the deep shock and excruciating pain, another process happened.
Each moment became intensely vibrant, I felt like I had awoken
from a long slumber. A love beyond anything I had known pumped
through my chest. Everything I had longed for during my twenty
years as a spiritual seeker/teacher was right there. Not
in a glimpse or a high that lasted for a few days but as
a new solid reality that emerged from within.
That
doesn’t mean I didn’t grieve or spend days
on end in hell, nauseated by guilt. Because my son died from
an overdose I felt I had failed as a parent, in my darkest
moments I felt responsible for his death. But I was held
by something larger and immensely loving the whole time,
and I still am. My inner journey was so intense that I spent
several years in retreat and the new direction of my spiritual
work was born out of that.
As a meditation/spiritual teacher, what have you learned
about dying, grief and the grief process?
In
the Buddhist and Zen traditions preparing for one’s
own death and contemplating impermanence is considered very
important spiritual practices. And in many cultures it is
seen as an act of wisdom and maturity to prepare for death
throughout life. But here in the West we try to avoid death
as long as we can.
It
may sound strange, but only when we fully embrace death
can we fully enter life. In exploring our own impermanence
we can connect with the immortal within and begin to live
the life we truly want and fulfill our divine purpose.
Grief,
when allowed and embraced, is simply our heart being
stretched open. The grief process is like a birth: each
contraction of grief opens the heart a little wider until
we are reborn
into more love, compassion and presence. Grief has a
life of its own and we need to give it time and a compassionate
space. How do you help your clients through life's transitions?
My
work is focused not so much on how to “get over” things
and “move on” but more on how to allow the process
of opening, spiritual renewal and awakening that is available
in life’s transitions. I have designed a series of
meditations and inner tools for that purpose and I help clients
find the peaceful place at the center of any painful emotion,
like the eye of a hurricane. I share practices that help
clients stay focused on essence rather than form, such as
focusing on the love you still have in your heart for your
deceased loved one rather than on the form of the body that
is gone.
Allowing
the grief and other painful emotions may be scary and uncomfortable
at first, but it keeps us out of depression,
drug use and developing other addictions or health problems.
I
also use “The Work” created by Byron Katie,
a powerful method for dissolving the stressful thoughts
and self-criticism that adds unnecessary suffering.
During
my one-year-training “One Year Left to Live” participants
prepare for and explore their own death on every level. For
example doing things they have always longed for but procrastinated,
finding their higher purpose in life, fill out the Five Wishes
from the Hospice movement (available at www.agingwithdignity.org)
and commit to a daily meditation/spiritual practice. After
a year of a real and deep spiritual practice they can live
life with full presence and peace of mind knowing that they
are expressing their true purpose.
What words of inspiration do you have for those who are
facing difficult circumstances?
Take a deep breath, place your hand on your aching heart
and try to hold yourself in compassion. One moment at a time.
Know that a broken heart is a wide-open heart. Stay centered
in your heart. Now you have an opportunity to become one
with the larger force of love that holds us at all times.
What do you get out of the work you do?
I feel a sense of divine purpose being expressed; it is
simply what I am meant to do. There is immense gratitude
in being of service and seeing people find light and vastness
within.
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