Excerpt
from Chapter 3 from Jon Walks in the Light: A Mother’s
Awakening through Birth and Death
We Had Made our Love Immortal - Expanding into Love Beyond
Form
The first few
months after Jon’s passing I felt confused
because I didn’t have his personality and body to focus
my love and attention on. There was no one at the other end
of this specific channel of love. At first I wanted to find
a new “object” to focus my love on. Maybe we
should have another child, I thought, or maybe I can spiritually
adopt his best friends and support them the way I supported
Jon. Perhaps I ought to start a Jon Montelius Foundation.
But I felt no clear guidance or inspiration to do any of
those things.
As time passed
it became clear that one opportunity and gift in this confusion
was simply to rest in all the love
I used to shower on my son without projecting it out, just
feeling the love without a specific form to give it to. The
death of Jon’s body made it possible for me to simply
let myself surrender to love, to be filled with it and be
burned by it.
All of a sudden
the Sufi expression “Love is a fire
and we are wood” became clear to me. I experienced
love as a fire in my heart, burning away the illusion of
form. For me to open fully to love I needed to let go of
Jon, all the other outer forms, my own identity and all the
restrictions I had put on love in the past. The wood for
my inner fire of love were the outer forms and people I thought
I had needed to experience love.
I became grounded
in love as a reality, as the only “thing” that
is real, and the only purpose for which we are born. Jon
fulfilled that purpose while he was here. He left a legacy
of love, support and friendship behind him. Sometimes I feel
his love comes to me through his best friends; I know they
care for me because they know how much Jon loved me. He was
the center of a wheel of love and when the center got pulled
out we all came closer.
Choiceless Love and Compassion
As I kept surrendering
to love it became clear that the love I experienced in
Jon’s presence was not “our” or “his” or “my” love.
It was simply the pure frequency of love that encompasses
all living beings, including beings I would have rather not
loved in the past. I have noticed a flow of love radiating
out to everyone after Jon’s passing even in situations
where I previously would have had judgment and criticism.
I don’t have a choice anymore; compassion and love
for all living beings are present.
Having been a spiritual seeker I have, over the years,
prayed to have more love in my life, sung songs in devotion
to love, meditated on opening my heart center, hung pictures
on the wall of people I imagined represented love and listened
to wise teachers speak about love.
None of this prepared me for the reality of love and the
initiation of being broken open, against my personal will,
to be flooded with something greater. There is nothing we
can do, with our personal will, to love unconditionally.
We cannot force ourselves to love, and if we try to evolve
ourselves beyond where we truly are at, we create pain, not
love.
Yet, love is our true nature, the very essence we are made
of, and once we have been blessed with an opening to our
true nature there is nothing we can do to not love. And love,
life, Spirit, seems to do whatever it needs to do to open
and awaken us, sometimes through great challenges like death,
loss or disease. Whatever we are attached to eventually gets
pulled away from us so we can see our true nature. The organic
process of love cannot be practiced or created consciously;
it is a gift that will arrive unexpectantly.
Being in stillness, vulnerable, present this moment, and
softly focusing within brings me to the place of experiencing
the love that is still alive, always here, and will never
die. In the present moment I am held and I can hold myself,
fully embracing and being with what is. In the present moment
there is such richness, such depth and nourishing inner connection
that I feel complete and fulfilled.
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