Excerpt from Chapter 7 of the Fire
of Love book
The Small Self Equals Addiction:
Investigating Sexual/Romantic Addictive Patterns and Codependency
For Christoffer and me this is a very important chapter,
not only because of our own history as sex addicts, but because
we have realized that addiction and addictive patterns are
the single most powerful force that pulls you out of the
present moment. Addictive patterns around sex, relationships,
and romance are also the cause of most disturbances between
man and woman. Without the awareness of addiction and its
inner structures, it becomes much harder to disidentify with
your small self, rest in your true nature, and live in peace
with your beloved.
The image that
comes to mind when you hear the word addict is perhaps
that of a junkie desperately trying to find a
vein or of an obsessive gambler gambling away the rent money.
These certainly are extreme expressions of addiction, yet
we all have addictive tendencies. Almost every single person
Christoffer and I know, including most clients we have worked
with, are or have been addicts or codependent to some degree.
Addictions come in many forms: working too much, flirting
a lot, smoking, staying in an unhealthy relationship, obsessive
masturbation, imbalances around food, smoking pot, drinking
a few glasses of wine every day, always focusing on helping
other people, allowing a spiritual teacher to override one’s
own truth, or agreeing to things that are not true for oneself
to get approval.
Although from
person to person, addictions vary in form and degree of
acting out, the inner structures that hold
the addictive patterns in place are the same. The truth is
that when we are identified with our small self, we are addicted;
the small self basically equals addiction. At the core of
the small self is the belief in separation, that we are a
separate entity and that love and Spirit reside outside of
us. That belief leads to searching for fulfillment from sources
outside ourselves. The substances or objects we use in our
addictive search, the way we search, and how intense the
search becomes—these vary depending on our unique wounding,
how severe the wounding is, and how we first lost contact
with essence within. Loss of beingness, loss of contact with
our true nature within, is the root of our dissatisfaction
and what makes us search for fulfillment.
As we began to
form a small self, a separate identity, as little children,
we slowly, over time, began to lose touch
with the natural resting in love and joy. We forgot our true
nature and began to believe that we indeed were this persona
we were developing. Our upbringing, education, and culture
certainly enforced and supported the identification with
a separate self. In childhood we began turning to, for example,
food, sweets, masturbation, and seeking approval as sources
of comfort and fulfillment. Later, as teenagers, we may have
turned toward cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, sex, relationships,
material things, computer games, and TV as sources of fulfillment
and distractions from the original pain of separation and
other uncomfortable emotions we didn’t know how to
deal with. Most of us had no one there to teach us any other
way.
Because our addiction
often is imprinted early on in life, practiced and embedded
for many years, and supported by a
culture that promotes addiction, it can be very challenging
even to understand it is an addiction. We think the addiction
is part of who we are because it feels so natural. That is
why the first step in twelve-step programs is to admit that
you have an addiction, that you have a problem over which
you are powerless. You need to see that you require assistance
from something greater than your addicted self, a greater
power, because your addicted self can’t help and heal
itself.
All addiction and addictive behavior is really a search
and longing for our true nature.
To rest fully in the moment in touch with your greater self
on a day-to-day basis, not just as a peak experience every
now and then, you need to become aware of and clear your
addictive patterns. Addiction pulls you into an illusionary
reality so that you are lost in your mind and very far from
your true nature. Connecting with your true nature through
meditation and self-inquiry helps you in your work of facing
the addiction. And as you clear more and more of your addictive
patterns, your ability to stay present in your true nature
will increase. Both processes support each other, working
together beautifully.
Connecting with the still place within also gives you a
new point of reference; you can see your addictive patterns
from a clear perspective. Resting in your true nature within
becomes your solace, your place of retreat, and your new
source of fulfillment. Without connection to your true nature,
you get lost in the battles of the personality and in the
processing of your wounds. You do not need to relive every
hurtful instance of your past, but it is important to feel
and vibrate the emotions of your deepest wounds or distortions.
You only need to do enough clearing to find and connect with
a new resting place within, and from there the rest of the
healing that is needed will unfold on its own.
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